Here we are, middle of January.
The weather's appalling. It's cold and wet and just miserable.
But things are looking up. Things are getting better and at this moment in time, I can say i'm content. And I hope you are all too.
The title of this blog is from the song Gotta Keep Smiling by Scouting For Girls. A worthwhile listen if you get the chance.
Shall we crack on?
A lot has happened since my last blog post. And it’s only Thursday. I don't know how it’s even possible. Oh, and I apologize for any spelling issues. My fault and no one else's.
It was one of my best friends birthday last week and two events were organised for it. One was a night out. The other was a surprise cinema get-together of all her family and friends. Now, if you know me at all, the mere thought of a night out is terrifying. I'm not a big drinker as It Is, a bottle of cider is enough for me. I was totally uncomfortable with the whole Idea. I can't deal with people, even friends when they're drunk. It’s all too scary so naturally I had to bail on the night out. It did upset me a bit as I wanted to be there and share a good time with my best friends. Everyone is going back to university and starting placement so I won’t be able to see them as regularly. This is why the second event, the surprise party was so important for me to go to.
I won't lie, there was still a great deal of anxiety there. I knew I was safe, I was around people I know and love very much. I knew I was going to be looked after and I did start to enjoy myself a little towards the end. But I can say confidently that I go and it was really good. I was glad to spend time with everyone and have a catch up. And the chance to experience something as special as the surprise part will always be something I’ll treasure. She knew nothing about it and I think she was happy I went, I’d like to hope anyway. So really, that is the first scary thing that's happened this week. Scary but I did it with no panic attacks or bailing at the last second.
The other slightly scary thing that happened was seeing my specialist mentor or the first time since the Christmas and New Year break. Again, this shouldn't have been too nerve-wracking but it was in a way. I tend to get very uncomfortable being around people I haven't seen in a while-with the exception of my home friends, things always fall back into place with them. I just never know what to say. I suppose it’s the same with anyone. We all lose touch with some people in our lives at one point or another, be it a holiday or whatever. But things quickly returned to normal and she's very impressed with the amount of work I’ve been able to do over the break. That left me feeling quite happy. I'm never one to take praise, I always think I can do better but this time, I did allow myself to feel a little proud of myself. It doesn't happen very often, I can tell you that.
And finally, the biggest and scariest thing I have been able to conquer this week is going to see my therapist for the first time on my own. It was my second CBT session yesterday at my local hospital, which isn’t very easy to get to from where I live. I realised that I can’t constantly have someone with me wherever I go, I have to start doing new things by myself. I am quite Independent anyway, but struggle getting around because of my visual Impairment. I researched the bus times and what stops I needed extensively the day before my session. And guess what? I did it. There were no accidents, nothing went wrong. I didn’t get the wrong bus, I remembered how to get to the building. Yashka was great at directing me around all the cars and the like. It went really well. Very well.
This might not sound like a big step for some of you. It all sounds pretty easy and straightforward but to me, it’s a massive, massive step forward. And I can't be more proud of myself. I basically punched my anxiety in the face. I made the choice to go on my own and I had to deal with the consequences. For someone who struggles daily to attend a therapy session alone is such a big deal. Yes, it might be my second one but sometimes I need a kick to get me going. I need a jumpstart. Maybe that's why I cancelled so many counselling sessions with my uni. I couldn't bring myself to go on my own and I was struggling to find people who would be able to come and support me. I wasn't confident asking for help back then, but now things have changed. I've realised I can do things on my own. I just need a little help to begin with. I think that's what everyone needs sometimes. We all need a little support, a hand to hold at first. It’s like training wheels. You can take them off when you think you're ready or keep them on if you aren't. Simple as that. And there's no shame in it. There should never be any shame in asking for extra help If and when we need it, we all have to go at our own pace. We all know what we are and what we aren't capable of. But we need to step outside of our comfort zones from time to time. What you can achieve might surprise you,
I want to do a stream of conscious. I haven't done one in a while so let’s give it a whirl.
This is inspired by the song For the Girl by The Fratellis.
Sliding the headphones over her head, Riley smiled.
Grabbing her bag, she rushed from her room
Converse cad feet catered won the stairs.
The beat drummed in her ears as she reached the kitchen.
The usual routine begins once more.
Her siblings roused from their beds,
Bleary eyed and messy hair.
Every single morning for three years.
Cath and Dylan sat at the table, their breakfast waiting.
Starting on the dishes from last night,
Riley leaned against the counter.
Taking a breath before the madness restarted
Tidying the house hurriedly
As her siblings got themselves ready for school.
She too shoved books into her rucksack.
The house alive with actively.
Shouts echoed around the house.
Until they were ready to leave.
Riley paused for a moment, keys in hand,
And one foot out of the door.
Brother and sister waiting patiently on the driveway,
Bundled up against the wind
With hats pulled over their eyes
Scarves tucked Into coats,
And gloves on nimble fingers.
Casting one last glance in the house, she shut the door.
The house fell silent.
The framed photograph of her dead parents waved them off,
Hands unmoving and eyes frozen behind glass.
Until the next time the house was alive once more.
It’s been a weird week. I wasn’t expecting to get this much done in such a short period of time. I wasn’t expecting to feel good about myself. But I do and hopefully this feeling will last more than a few days. It’s the start of recovery for me, the first step has been taken. And I know it not be easy. There will be relapses and tears and sleepless nights and arguments. But we will cross those bridges when we come to them. Until then, writing is going to be what I pour my heart and soul into. One day at a time, tomorrow Is another day after all.
I'll leave you with these quotes.
You wait a moment, Doctor. Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first: Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish, but love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind. Oh. And you mustn't tell anyone your name.
No one would understand it, anyway! Except...
Except... children. Children can hear it sometimes, if their hearts are in the right place, and the stars are too. Children can hear your name. But nobody else. Nobody else. EVER.
Laugh hard. Run fast. BE KIND -Twelfth Doctor, Twice Upon a Time.
Being different is nothing to be afraid of - Merlin, The Lady of the Lake
Take a deep breath…you feel that? You are alive, you are breathing. You are here for a reason. You were given the gift of life, now it’s your job to find for what purpose. And that purpose is really important. So please stay here with us -unknown.
For the world is yours, and you can do whatever you want? As long as you put your mind to it, anything is possible. So go out there, and get what you need! -Jacksepticeye
Until the next time.