Here we are once again. Well, it's currently 23 degrees here in Derby, which means I can't work Yashka until this evening. So strap yourselves in for another blog, guys.
This could go anywhere.
The title of this blog is a quote from last week's episode of Doctor Who, The Doctor Falls.
I was out and about once more yesterday. After finishing up at uni, I sped home as I was seeing some friends for lunch, which escalated to a trip to a local park where we took Yashka for a walk around.
Throughout the day yesterday whilst out with my friends, I didn't once feel anxious. My mind was free from any dark thoughts. I was genuinely having fun, which for me, is quite a big deal. As I said in my last blog, I have come to realise that I feel safest with my hometown friends who I have known for a very long time.
It's daft really, I know I can't keep clinging onto them as they will all go back to university in September and I will have to interact with people from my course once more. As much as I love them all, they aren't my friends from home. I think it's because I have known them longer. I do feel horrible when I think about it. All my friends, both hometown and university friends, have helped me through some really bad times, just as I have helped them in return. So why is it that I'm feeling insecure and unsafe at times when I should be having fun?
I think a lot has to do with my mental illness. I know I have been mentioning it a lot in recent blogs, but I have finally come to accept it and I want others to be the same. I don't want to be ashamed to admit I struggle with mental illness anymore, it's far too draining. It is what it is, I'm afraid.
Since the university has ended, I haven't really seen my university friends. We're a dysfunctional bunch and I know that they will agree with me on that. It's hard to get us all in the same place at the same time. Get-togethers have to be arranged days beforehand to give us all time to psych ourselves up for it. We are all introverted, which is something I am absolutely fine with. In fact, I prefer it. There is no need to make conversation for the sake of it. When we do get together, we are content enough just to sit and enjoy one another's company. I feel like we all understand each other. We all know what the others are capable of and when it's time to call it a day.
I haven't really seen them for a few weeks. We haven't drifted apart as we are still in touch with each other. Maybe not as much as I would like. I mean, I can go days without hearing from people. I know that this really isn't helpful in regards to my mental health but I can only do so much. Take yesterday. I was busy all day and into the evening too. I didn't really get to sit down until nine at night. So today, I am very tired so all I have done is free ran Yashka. I may take her out again this evening, but I am content enough to sit at my desk and do some writing. Be on my own for a while. Stick my headphones on and just let the words flow.
I can't decide if that last line is cheesy or poetic.
The point is, I don't think it matters who I feel safest with. I'm sure when I get back to university, I will connect with my course friends once more. The events of the last semester are still etched into my memory. I understand that you can't remain friends with people forever. You grow and mature and drift apart. Things change and so do people.
It's sad when you really think about it. But for the time being, I will cling onto my friends. I don't make friends easily as it takes me a long time to trust them. As I have said in a previous blog, those who are around me must like me otherwise why they would make plans with me?
I love it when I get invited out by my friends. Most of the time I do agree, although there are times I have to decline, particularly when they invite me out drinking. As I am still on medication, I have to be careful of what I'm drinking. Not to mention how I am going to get home on a night out. I get tired easily so would leave well before my friends, which is something I am not mentally comfortable with. I love it most when we go out for the day, visiting towns or parks and just exploring. I am still very much in my photography and love to visit new areas. It’s great inspiration for my writing.
Like I have said before, do things that make you comfortable, not because you are obliged to. It is so easy to work yourself up into a dark and negative frame of mind, especially if you are on your own for long periods of time. We may eel detached from people we think of as really good friends, we may think the worst. But in reality, nothing has changed. Our friends are still our friends. We have a tendency to over think things. I am notorious for it. I always think the worst.
And it is hard to force yourself out of that train of thought. I don't think we can ever stop being negative or self-conscious or insecure It makes us what we are. We just learn how to deal with it better as time goes on. It never goes away. Just like mental illness.
Be patient with those like me. People who may not turn to you in times of hardship. I know that for me, I don't turn to my friends and tell them what is going on because I don't want to worry them. They have their own stuff to be dealing with and don’t need my problems on top t it all. But I have been reminded time and time again that they are there if I need them. That they will let me know if they can't help me. I need to stop worrying so much. And I know others are in the same boat.
I've said it before and I will say it again. Don't do things just to keep others happy. Reach out to someone if you need support, don't ignore problems as they will not go away, I speak from experience. Express your thought and feelings in the ways you know how. Be it writing, art, photography or whatever. Don't bottle everything up.
You are only human after all. We can only take so much before we break.
And there will be people you have to let go. People you have to forget in order to move on with your own life. That doesn't make you any less of a good person. It's your life. Live it as you see fit. Only you can make choices and decisions. It's not up to anyone else, they don’t have the right to dictate your life. You are your own person. Take pride in that. So what if you aren't in a relationship and all your friends are? So what if they all drink and you're the only one sober? So what if you prefer to read and stay inside whilst others go out? If you find it enjoyable, then do it. Don't let them stop you.
I'll leave you with this quote.
"I’m not trying to win. I’m not doing this because I want to beat someone, because I hate someone, or because I want to blame someone. It’s not because it’s fun. God knows it’s not because it’s easy. It’s not even because it works because it hardly ever does. I do what I do because it’s right! Because it’s decent! And above all, it’s kind! It’s just that… Just kind. If I run away today, good people will die. If I stand and fight, some of them might live. Maybe not many, maybe not for long. Hey, you know, maybe there’s no point to any of this at all. But it’s the best I can do. So I’m going to do it. And I’m going to stand here doing it until it kills me. And you’re going to die too! Someday… And how will that be? Have you thought about it? What would you die for? Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand is where I fall.” -The Doctor, the Doctor Falls.
I know I have repeated many things in previous blogs, but I really did enjoy writing this today.
Until the next time.