Here we are once more and welcome to 2018. The festive season is long past and now we have to wait until spring. Is anyone else getting a little sick of the bleak weather at the moment? Please say I'm not the only one struggling with the grey and the wind and the rain.
But let's try and cheer everyone up with a little ramble .
Shall we crack on?
The title of this blog is a lyric from the song Star Sky by Two Steps from Hell. I would very much recommend listening to this band as it is a perfect mix of instrumental and vocal. Very motivational for getting things done.
First of all, I apologise for any spelling mistakes in this, I'm very tired but it needed to be written. There are times I need to get ideas out of my head and this is one of those times. Enjoy!
I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year’s. It’s all gone a bit too quick for me. We're in the middle of January already and I've done nothing except work on my dissertation and see friends over the past few weeks. Which has been lovely, but slightly tiring to say the least. However, I am making the most of seeing them until they go back to uni and back to their other lives. I'm going to miss them all like mad but it has been done before. I've gone weeks without seeing them and I survived. I can do it again.
It’s funny when you think about it. My home friends and I have all mostly stayed in touch. We see one another whenever we can and give each other a text to let them know what’s going on in our lives. Many of their uni friends have lost touch with childhood friends since moving away for university. Its funny how life turns out. I suppose there will be some of you reading this (I can only hope!) who will have lost contact with friends from childhood and your school days. People move on, get new friends and continue living their lives. Some are left behind and forgotten about. It’s a shame yet we et it happen anyway.
I'm alright with being alone. I can easily find comfort in music and writing. I don't have to see people all the time and often bail on plans due to anxiety. Which is a poor excuse to some, but that's the way things work out sometimes. I have amazing friends around me who are there when I need them and vice versa and I will always make time for them. That's all I need at the end of the day. A couple of close friends who will always make me smile.
Since it’s the start of the New Year, I have recently begun therapy to cope with mental health. Perhaps that is something that should be kept private and what have you, but I want to talk about. I need to talk about it. Because it gets a lot of emotions out there, not to make me vulnerable but to make me stronger. And there might be someone out there who is also struggling. Isn't it worth helping them too? Writing is what I know best, so let’s have at it.
My therapist is lovely. I thought to begin with, I wouldn't be able to say a word to her. That I'd pretend everything is fine and that I don't need any help. That's quite obviously a lie. I do need help and I'm getting it, even though it was so terrifying to start with!
So, CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a type of therapy that works on challenging dysfunctional thoughts and trying to counteract them. It's conditioning, plain and simple. I studied CBT during my A-level psychology years and found it really interesting. Say if you have a bad thought like my boss hates me, you have to question it. Do they really hate me? How likely is it? Are there any external factors to incorporate? Did my boss have a bad day and was I just in the wrong place at the wrong time? Nine times out of ten, you're overthinking something. Your mind plays tricks on you and it’s so easy to believe these lies. I do it all the time and I need to stop. It's not good for the physical health, never mind mental health. I know it will take time, I am not expecting an instant cure or a miracle to make me better. There is no such thing. There will be bad times and horrible days ahead and I'll want to give up but at least I'm trying. That's all I can do, what any of us can do. Try our best and carry on.
I mentioned in a previous blog that no one is going to do something for you. You have to do it for yourself, no matter how scary it is, it will probably never turn out as bad as you expected. For me, I experienced quite a serious panic attack on Monday over meeting the gentleman I'm writing the children's book or. I thought I was going to make a fool out of myself, I thought we wouldn't get on or something dreadful was going to happen. I was overthinking it and guess what? It was fine. Nothing had happened. Yes, it was a tad awkward just because I had never met him before but I think everyone gets that when they meet someone new. I had to meet him one way or another and this would be the only time for a while that two of my friends could come along too. They made the situation a lot less awkward, they made it easier. I worked myself up over lies my mind was telling me. That's why I'm challenging myself. I want to get better and the only person who is going to do that is me. That is very clique but the point still stands. If I don't do it now, then I probably will never be able to work up the courage.
Courage is something I severely lack. The strange thing is, since my first session on CBT, I've realised I'm a rescuer. I try and sort everything out and make life easier for everyone. I try and think of the best solution for someone in trouble I'm always there if someone needs help. But it's not very often I reach out for help. I've always been the same and this is going way back to my primary school days. I want everyone to be happy and that's still what I'm doing today. Even if it means isolating myself and losing certain friends along the way. Because I think they would be better off without me. Again, there goes my mind playing tricks on me. It’s not very often I stand up to someone, I would rather di anything they say and bow down in order to resolve the situation rather than fight for what's right and make a stand. I don't like confrontation, I think I've said it before. But I think it’s time that I rescue myself for a change. Have some courage and screw everyone else who turned on me. They're not worth my time at the end of the day.
It is difficult at times. To be backed into a corner, unable to reach out to anyone because of fear. I find myself in this predicament more often than I should. It's so easy for me to talk about courage and doing things you want to do and not to take any crap when I can't do any of that at times. I need courage, I need a backbone. I need to stand up for myself more and put myself in more uncomfortable situations. I think that's the only way I will learn and get better. Perhaps therapy will be able to help me with that. Like I said, we gotta try otherwise how else will we know any difference?
I'll leave you with these quotes,
The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. -Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
As long as you’re writing from your heart and writing honestly, that’s art and no one should ever judge you for that. -Jacksepticeye.
Strong is fighting. It’s hard and it’s painful and it’s every day. It’s what we have to do, and we can do it together, but if you’re too much of a coward for that, then burn. -Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
We’re all human and flaws come out every now and then but, if you want to be positive in your day, if you want to be positive in your life, in your job, try and celebrate the little things. If you do something that’s just like, nothing.
If you write down your to-do-list for the day celebrate that. Be happy in what you do, be proud of the little things that you do each day, I think…You just kinda have to go out there and just do it. You have to go out there and grab life while you can. Go out there and make the most of the time that you have. Cause you only get one trip around on this big wheel of life, you don’t get a do-over. You don’t get to wait around for the good things to happen. You have to make the good things for yourself happen now. You have to try and be as happy as you can be in the scenario that you’re in. Not always possible, some people have it very very hard to be happy, some people are in completely terrible and rough, dire situations and I very much sympathise with that and that’s- again, there’s a lot more nuance to this. It’s not just as simple as being “Go out there and be happy”. There’s a lot more to life than just being positive, but if I can motivate people or give some sort of semblance of advice towards that kind of aspect, then I will try my best. But just know that it’s okay if you’re not positive all the time. It just means that you’re HUMAN. -Jacksepticeye.
Until the next time.