I am back! For how long, well, let's see how the next few days go shall we? At this moment in time, I'm okay. I'm not great, but I am managing. I hope that, if you haven't already read my most recent blog, then you will as this will not make much sense if you don't know why I took a few days to myself. So please read that first.
Shall we crack on?
The title of this blog is a combination of two quotes by Jacksepticeye.
The above mentioned Youtuber has helped me a lot these past few days. In my opinion, he has literally saved my life. And I know that sounds daft because he's literally talking to a camera and speaking to millions of people, but there were moments in his videos where it felt like he was speaking to me and only me. I suppose it's like someone reading this blog and feeling like I am speaking to them personally.
This is something I really want to achieve. I don't write with a large readership in mine. I write as if I am talking to a friend. I want my blogs to be personal as it's coming right from my heart. But in truth, I suppose I write for myself. To let emotions out and vent. But I wish I had these blogs when I was suffering from mental illness during the early days. I wish I could have read something that reminded me it was all going to be okay.
And that is not to say I did not have people around to support me, I did and I still do. I am not being ungrateful in the slightest. But sometimes it takes an outsider to get through to you. It takes someone you don't know or someone you haven't seen in a while to reassure you. That's what I need sometimes. Personally, I like reading about how people have overcome struggles and what they did to get better. Not because I feel supreme or whatever to them, not because I think I am worse off than them. But because if they can do it, why can't I?
There are so many people worse off in the world, I know that. But mental illness doesn't. It doesn't care about gender, sexuality, culture, class or anything, the list goes on. It can affect anyone at any time. No one is safe. And I just want to say to anyone who is struggling with anxiety, depression or anything. You aren't alone. You really aren't. And I you think there is no one who doesn't care about you, you're wrong. They do care, they just don't show it until it's too late. And they will be the one who has to suffer from guilt for the rest of their lives.
One video I have just stumbled across is from BBC Radio One and their OK to Say campaign. You can watch it here (or find it on YouTube if you can).
The more I think about it, the more I realise how difficult to start that initial conversation is. As I have said before, I don't like worrying people so I bottle everything up until I reach breaking point. That's why I write. To get everything out. These blogs are less about trying to make a point but expressing my concerns, fears and feelings in the vain attempt that there is someone out there who is listening and may be feeling the same.
I've also been struggling to come to terms with my eyesight as well. As much as I tell myself I have accepted it and there is nothing I can do, there's still a part of me that wishes it could be different, that I don't deserve this. No one deserves to be disabled or has mental health issues. It isn't fair. And to suffer from both is a real kick in the teeth. But surprisingly, I'm still here, even if there are times where I just want to give in. I haven't yet, I suppose that's something.
The thing is, being told that I am at greater risk of having retinal detachment because I am severely short sighted has really shaken me up. It's almost been a week since the hospital visit, I think it was the delayed shock of it. Because I now know that if I get any of the symptoms, (black dots or flashing lights ect) that I could potentially lose my sight that day. Of course, there are things the doctors can do to try and save my eyesight, but I don't think it will be much use. And this could be in twenty year’s time or it could be next week. That's the scary thing.
The way that I have to think about it is, I have had some sight for the best part of my early and adult life. If I can make it past university with some sight left, well that will mean everything. It would kill me if I had to drop out in my final year. I am getting my degree, make no mistake about that. I am surprised I have made it this far into my degree. There's a part of me that knows I would have dropped out if Yashka had not come along. She is one of the reasons I'm still here. I have to look after her and she takes care of me in return, even if she drives me up the wall sometimes. I know she doesn't mean to, she is a dog after all. But she has helped me a hell of a lot, as have many of my friends, even if it feels like they don't sometimes. And I know that's on my own part as I don't reach out to them enough as I should.
Once more, I have turned to music for comfort. This time it has worked. I've been listening to songs I know well, both upbeat and slow. It's a good release for me, especially with my awful singing. Gets some of that anger and frustration out of my system before it turns into something worse. It's good with TV and film soundtrack too I've found. Give it a try, instrumental music can work just as well as lyrical songs.
I hate feeling like this. Weak, vulnerable, insecure, worthless. I hate it. And at the moment, there is nothing that can make it go away. No easy cure or quick fix. There never is, is there? I think it's all about battling through. Because there is a light at the end of it all, I know there is. It might just take me a while to find it. That's all I can do. Continue writing and taking each day as it comes. Tomorrow is always a new day, anything can happen, it might be worse than today or it might be better. No one can know for sure.
Just do whatever you can do, what you feel comfortable with. Don't leave the house if you don't feel like it. Take a few days for yourself. The world will still be there. But reach out to someone, even if it's just a text asking if you can talk. Don't suffer through it alone, no one deserves that. Take time to get back on your feet. You are important to so many people. It'll get better. Not straight away, but it will. I promise.
I'll leave you with these quotes,
"I’ve got great mates and people who make me strong and remind me that, even when I hit those dark parts of the forest, I’ve just gotta keep walking. Just keep walking and I’ll be OK," Rae, My Mad Fat Diary.
"Sometimes the route to joy is indirect, our journey home not quite as we expected. There’s no magic star to guide our steps, no ancient prophecies to predict our way. The greatest gift is to know that we travel not alone but in the company of others".-Call the Midwife.
"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end… because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing… this shadow. Even darkness must pass"-Samwise Gamgee, Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.
"Let me tell you about scared. Your heart is beating so hard -- I can feel it through your hands! There's so much blood and oxygen pumping through your brain, it's like rocket fuel. Right now, you could run faster and you could fight harder. You can jump higher than ever in your life. And you are so alert, it's like you can slow down time. What's wrong with scared? Scared is a super power! It's your super power!" - The Twelfth Doctor, Doctor Who, Listen.
Until the next time.