I was meant to upload this yesterday, but the weather was so bad that I couldn't connect to my wifi. So here it is today!
Since we are battling with Storm Doris today, I’ve decided to do another blog post. I can’t work Yashka today because of the bad weather, so we are having a lazy day. Well she is. I have a lot of uni work to catch up on before my lecture tomorrow.
The title of this blog is from the song Dead Hearts by Stars. Yesterday, I wrote a stream of consciousness whilst listening to this song and I really enjoyed it. I originally heard this song on a fan video dedicated to the professors at Hogwarts school (From the Harry Potter fandom, in case anyone was unsure. If anyone would like to see the YouTube video, click here to watch it.)
It has quickly become one of my all-time favourite songs. I think this is because we can all relate to it, we all have some people who we have lost or forgotten about. We have people who we watched grow up. And I love how there is a conversation going on between two characters in the song. This song tells a story, even though it doesn’t have an ending, we can guess what happens from the lyrics. It tells the listener of sadness and guilt and remorse. Perhaps there is someone in your life that grew up and took a path that you didn’t expect or approve of. Maybe they turned out differently to what you imagined they would. It is sad, when you know someone for a number of years and they change into a completely different person. It’s sad to see someone you once cared for, make the wrong decisions time and time again.
Or maybe this has happened to you. Maybe you have changed and those around you are not happy with the person you have become. But we all change. We have to, even if we upset people in the process. We can’t stay the same forever. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when a friend who you thought would help you through anything, would stab you in the back and treat you as their punch bag.
I once had a teaching assistant at secondary school who thought the world of me. Back then, when I was in years seven, I was very shy and timid. I liked to please people. I was never in trouble for anything. However, as I grew up and became friends with people who had the same sense of humour as me ect, the teaching assistant didn’t like how I was changing. I started to talk back a little more and be a proper teenager. I was good, I didn’t really have any detentions, but I wasn’t the same as I was. I think she expected me to stay the same, because of my disability. I was told, when I was a little older to understand, that this teaching assistant saw me as her daughter. I mean, that’s lovely and everything, but I am my own person. Just because I have poor eyesight doesn’t mean I have to be wrapped in cotton wool. I think that’s what did it for me. I have people pitying me, treating me as if I’m made of glass. I can look after myself. I may need some help occasionally, but I would rather do things by myself and fail, than have someone do it for me.
Years down the line, I went back to my school and introduced Yashka to some of my old teachers. I saw the teaching assistant and she was surprised how much I had grown, in every sense of the world. I don’t think she was happy with my attitude, I do pull myself down and stuff, or my sarcasm. But that’s who I am. You will either like me or not. That’s the attitude I have with everything, especially my writing. I had to grow up and find my own way without someone constantly hovering at my shoulder. I never would have achieved half the stuff I have, if I had gone along with her wishes and become her surrogate daughter. I’m not the same person as I was in year seven, I’m not even the same person as I was yesterday. None of us are, but that doesn’t mean it’s easier to accept.
Nate stared at his best friend.
Luke refused to meet his eye.
Somehow they both knew it was the end.
Although neither could understand why.
They had grown apart.
Both gone their separate way.
Nate studying fine art,
And still Luke would not say,
This was it.
The beginning of the end.
Until everything turned to shit.
No more texts to send.
No more laughs to be had.
Luke offered his hand.
Nate smiled at his friend, his lad.
“It’s been grand.”
They smiled once more.
Then walked away from one another.
Both off do pursue jobs they adore.
Both of them losing a brother.
Remember that I can’t write poetry to save my life. I am a prose writer by nature so I apologise for my cack-handed attempt above.
We all change and move on with our lives. The world around us continues to spin as we grow, mature and develop. Friendships and relationships don’t last forever. We meet new people and leave some old ones behind. But this doesn’t always happen. You might still be good friends with someone who you went to school with fifty years ago. Or you might never contact them again after you leave education. It’s the same with jobs, we don’t stick around in the same job for the entire of our lives. There are always new people to meet, new places to visit and new adventures to be had. Every choice we make, changes us in some way. There are consequences with everything we do and that is something that will not change.
However, some people may not change. It is possible to stay the same, but why would you want to? I get restless if I do the same thing day in and day out. I have to do something new, to break the cycle. At times like these, I usually blitz my room or go and have a haircut. Yes, they are complete opposites, but it works. When it’s all done, I don’t feel like the person I was when I started. Little changes like this, I can cope with. Life altering changes, I struggle with. I like security, to feel safe. Maybe that’s why I decided to be a writer. It’s a profession that will never change. It will always be there to welcome me home.
A friend recently asked what I am going to do after I graduate from uni. I panicked at this. That is a life changing decision, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I refuse to think about it, I haven’t even started my third year yet. There is plenty of time to plan and research and decided what I want to do. People need to remember that what may be exciting to them, is terrifying to someone else. I don’t like it when someone tries to push me into making a decision. Just because they want to have a change, doesn’t mean I want to.
We have to let some people go. No one sticks around forever. There will be times when we have a thriving social life and others when we are on our own. Each person is different, each person wants to do something different with their lives. There is no point in being a sheep and following someone else’s choices because you’re too scared to go it alone. You will only end up unhappy because you aren’t doing what you want. You aren’t living your life, but someone else’s. Friends will come and go, as will partners. What remains is you and nothing more.
It’s important to remember that you will not like everyone you meet. A lot rests of first impressions. It may be that a girl you met, who you thought had a stick up her arse, actually saves your life. She might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you and you’ll wonder how you could have ever hated her. On the other hand, that other girl who you shared everything with, may turn out to be poison. It’s not selfish to terminate that kind of friendship. At the end of the day, you need to protect yourself and do what’s right for you. You will forget people, you will morn others and wish you never turned our back on them. It’s all a learning curve, its how you grow and develop into someone new.
Everyone we meet leaves their mark, one way or another. No one is totally forgotten.
I’ll leave you with these quote.
"The ones who love us never really leave us, you can always find them in here." - Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
"All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage." - Mycroft Holmes.
Until the next time!