Well, in truth I was unsure about writing something today. I was just going to write something creative, but the more I have been thinking about it, the more I just want to, well, just write. So I have decided to do a blog. After all, I think that one of the best methods to help with recovery is to talk about what’s going on. And that’s what I am going to do.
So please bear in mind I will be talking about some potentially triggering subjects. My inbox is always open if someone needs to have a chat.
The title of this blog is a lyric from the song Whispers by Twin Atlantic.
I’ve had a couple of rough days. It’s been a mixture of personal things and Yashka not working properly that’s made it so hard, And since learning of the death of Chester Bennington, the lead singer of the band Linkin Park, I’ve been feeling pretty low.
I have listened to a few of Linkin Park’s songs, they were a part of my childhood in a way. My brothers were the ones who got me into rock, punk and alternative music when I was young, so Linkin Park has always been there, hovering in the background.
But it has really saddened me that we have lost yet another popular icon to suicide. I know that there is a lot of people who take their own life every day and it is very unlikely it will get reported on by the press. There are so many people who die and it goes unnoticed for a long time. And it’s always too late to do anything.
It takes that one person, that one individual who has a presence in the world of celebrity to make mental illness appear in the news. And it shouldn’t, Mental illness should be something that is spoken about freely and daily. It should not be a taboo. We should not be ashamed about talking about it, about saying that we are not okay and we need some help. You shouldn’t feel guilty about burdening people. I know I am being a hypocrite saying this as I don’t like to burden those around me.
But last night I did reach out to a friend and told her I was feeling horrible and it did help. I didn’t explain what was going on as I wasn’t ready, but she reminded me that she is there for me when I need her, that she will listen. She made me smile and I felt a little better. I think that’s why I wanted to write a blog today. To keep myself going, but also to remind myself that it’s okay to say. It’s alright to say I suffer from anxiety and depression. It’s difficult right now, but nothing bad has happened yet. Nothing has gone wrong. I’m sat in a café in the centre of Derby and I feel safe. I’m tucked in a corner with Yashka with my earphones in. I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to. All that matters right now is my writing. And Yashka, but she’s fine.
I saw a post yesterday, shortly after the death of Chester was announced that said suicide is a coward’s way out.
I can’t begin to express my anger at that statement. If anyone thinks that suicide is a coward’s way out, I think they need to have a good look in the mirror. It takes a hell of a lot to commit suicide. You have to feel so low, so alone and worthless, that you don’t matter to anyone to commit suicide. You have to feel like there is no other way out, that there is no one who can help you.
But please, if there is anyone who is reading this who is feeling like this, please reach out to someone. Please. I would hate to know that anyone feels so alone, that they have no way to turn. There is always someone that can be done. Always. You aren’t alone. It isn’t the only way out. Talk about what you are feeling, cry on someone’s shoulder. It doesn’t make you any less of a person. It doesn’t make you weak. Far from it. Admitting you need support, that you need someone to help you. You are being incredibly strong.
By putting our true thoughts and feelings out there, we do make ourselves more venerable. But those who truly care about you, they will admire you. They will, and they will feel privileged that you turned to them in your hour of need. It shows that you trust them. And they will help you. If they don’t, they are not worth your time. Because there will come a time when they need your help and compassion and you have every right to deny them. They weren’t there for you when you needed them most. So why should you return the favour?
I visited my old secondary school yesterday. I drop in from time to time to see how everyone is doing and to share my stories with the staff. I took Yashka with me and she did love all the fuss and attention. The only thing is, well, I felt-I feel like I lied to some of the staff there. Many of them asked me how uni is going, how I am and everything. And I almost morphed into a completely different person. I was making out that everything is brilliant and uni went really well and that I am doing great. When in fact, all of that is a lie. I guess I did alright at uni, but for those who read my previous blogs, I struggled a hell of a lot during the spring semester. It was incredibly stressful. And with my own well-being, I couldn’t really say that I was suffering from mental health. That I’m so exhausted every single day I don’t want to leave the house. That I am stressed beyond belief with home life and university. I couldn’t say any of that.
So I kept it secret. I put on a mask. Because that’s what I do on a daily basis. I suppose, even when I am writing I am a different person. But I think we all put on a different persona when we are in different circumstances. It's only when we are alone that we let our guard down, we give into the tears and that anger that has been threatening to take hold all day. Because it’s what is expected of us. We have to behave a certain way to fit into this world. And I hate it. We shouldn’t have to do that.
If anything I felt worse after I left the school. I felt like I imposed. After all, it’s a school, I can’t keep dropping in and disrupting everything. I can’t keep leaning on those who helped me two, three years ago. I’m almost 21, I’m accepted to deal with stuff on my own. And I can’t. I need to know I still have people around me who care. I know I do, I’ve been reminded of that fact many times. But my brain refuses to believe it. When someone says I’ve done well, I still feel as though I didn’t do enough, that I could have done so much more, so much better.
It’s ridiculous, but I know there are other people out there who are feeling the exact same. I over extort myself, I push myself too far sometimes. I still try and help those who have hurt me, those who were not there for me when I needed them. Because it’s in my nature. I think I care too much, that has always been my problem. And it’s such a vicious cycle that I am not sure that I can break it. It’s so hard to take a step back from things. So hard not to try and help someone when I can’t even help myself at times.
I have to keep reminding myself that it’s the little things that matter. They remind me that I am human, I am still here, fighting every single day. For me, it’s that song I have been wanting to listen to that comes on shuffle unexpectedly. It’s that first sip of hot tea. It’s getting home after walking Yashka and just sitting for a while. It’s a text or a snapchat from a close friend. Those are the things that matter. Even at times when I feel alone. There will always be something to make me smile. I just have to be patient. That’s all I can do.
I am going to be quite a long for the next week or so. My friends from home are all heading down to Falmouth for a few days and I can't go. I really want to as I haven't been on holiday since 2012. I think a break from everything would have done me the world of good, but it's fine. I'll be fine. I'll just have to keep myself busy. It's not the first time I have missed out on something and I doubt it will be the last.
There is a part of me that enjoys my own company. I do like being on my own. I don't have to pretend. I can just be me. But there are times recently where I just want to burst into tears and I have no idea why. I have made some mistakes in the last few days and I hate myself so much when I think about what I have done. I have been selfish, incredibly so. And I think it's time for me to take a long look at myself. Because at the moment, I don’t like the person who is staring back at me. Something needs to change. I can't carry on as I have been doing, I am hurting way too many people. And I can't stand that.
We do need to change. We cannot say the same person forever. We have to mature, grow. We have to get better at things we were bad at. Improve and accept our flaws and weaknesses. Because if you don't like yourself, then the road to recovery will be so much harder. Recovery is the not easy. It will take time and patience. And there will be hard times, where nothing will go right. But there will also be glimpses of light and better days. Take one step at a time, that's all you can do. That's what I am going to do. One step, one day at a time. It will get easier, the pain will fade and you will get better. There's always something to keep you going. Always.
I'll leave you with these quotes.
Whatever you going through is temporary, suicide is permanent. I believe in you and whatever you're going through. You can fight through it-Jacksepticeye
I hate the thought of someone never being missed,” said Ianto sadly. “It’s the ultimate humiliation, surely. So unimportant in life that no one even notices when you die— Something in the Water by Trevor Baxendale
You've got a choice. If you think that the darkness is too much then go for it. But if there is a chance, just some hope... It could be having a cigarette or that first sip of hot tea on a cold morning. Or it could be your mates. If there is even a tiny glimmer of light, then don't you think that's worth taking a chance? -Owen Harper, Torchwood: A Day in the Death (2008)
Just change somebody’s world. Go out there, make someone happy, give them a compliment, make them smile, give them some energy and motivation, and you’ll change their world-Jacksepticeye
Until; the next time.