My laptop has literally just got back to me, yay! This means I can get fully back into writing.
I have been itching to do some more writing since my last blog, it has made me a little more confident in knowing some of you like to read my boring rambles. So thank you. I really do appreciate it.
Shall we begin?
The title of this blog is a lyric from the song Where the Lonely Ones Roam by Digital Daggers.
I am feeling a little better in myself. I think that is because I saw one of my friends from my hometown last night and we went out for a little while. I suppose I feel safest with my friends from school. It's strange thinking about it since we left our sixth form two years ago and have all gone our separate ways for university. But even after months of being apart, we all just click instantly. There's no real awkwardness. We catch up, have a laugh and reminisce the old times when we were all innocent and nothing was more important than getting our A-Levels. I always used to think I would never see many of them when we all started university. But I've come to realise that we are one of the main friendship groups left standing from school. It seems to be that everyone else has kind of drifted apart.
I completely get that everyone has their own lives and things to do and so on. But some of the people I knew at school, the "cool and popular" ones, they haven't really done much with their lives. I know of a few who took a year out before starting uni and are just finishing their first year whereas I am going into my third. Most of them haven't even gone to university and have got jobs. I mean, I have no problems with this. Everyone is entitled to their own choices and what they decide to do with their lives is completely up to them.
But it makes you think. We have all come out the other side of school more or less on the same footing. Those ones who had loads of friends, who always got awards and praise off teachers, it hasn't really paid off. Whereas people, like me who worked hard and didn't really get much credit, I tended to seep into the background and watch as others got all the attention, I think I have done alright. I mean, I've gotten into university after all. That must mean something.
I remember my old A-level history teacher telling us it's like a hierarchy when it comes to education. In the UK, we go from primary to secondary school, then to sixth form or college, then onto university for a degree. As you climb up the educational ladder, it's almost like each subject is weeding out those less able or less willing to learn. I know that doesn't really make sense, but to reach university and study for a degree, you are the elite of the educational hierarchy. And getting a degree is almost like climbing a mountain. No one really prepares you for the enormous leap between A-Levels and a degree. By the second year, you sort of know how uni works and you've settled down into the swing of things. Even though it can feel like an uphill struggle at first.
Wow, I really have gone off on a tangent. Apologies. But not really. Since catching up with my friend, I sort of feel energised. Like I have a purpose again. It was nice to get some things off my chest. And I was once more reminded that I have people around me who care about me and my well-being. I didn't-I don't feel quite as alone. She wouldn't have agreed to go out for a bit if I didn't matter to her. I do matter, we all do. There is always someone there to help us if we need it.
That's something I need to remember.
That's something we all need to remember when we feel lost and alone and like we don't matter. Like we don't belong in this world anymore.
That's how I felt for quite a while. But I do have friends who care, even if I don't speak to them as often as I would like to. That's the thing about having both anxiety and depression. It’s like a two headed monster that is pulling you in two different directions and there's nothing you can do to fight it off. And there some days that are better than others, of course, there is. But, for me, there are times when I just feel so overwhelmed with emotions that I can't do anything at all. And I hate not doing anything. It drives me up the wall. I need to keep busy.
Yashka has really been a lifeline for me. If I didn't have her, well anything could have happened in these last few weeks. I know that she is only a dog, but she is my best friend, as much as I complain and whine about her. She is a really brilliant companion and I am lucky to have her. If I had my way, I would not leave the house on days when I don't feel great. But she forces me out and about every single day. That's what I need, a kick up the arse sometimes to get me going.
Music has really helped too. I have recently invested in some proper headphones as I am getting through earphones like crazy. I'm always using them, especially in the house and on buses. So whenever I am at home now, I use my headphones. I love them already. They are slightly tight which means I have some pressure on my jaw and cheekbone, but I am absolutely fine with that. In fact, it is keeping me grounded, reminding me that I am still here fighting. And the sound quality is really good. That's' the thing I love about music. Pop your headphones on and you are suddenly transported to another world, another time. Music can take you anywhere.
It short circuits my mind for a while, keeps me focused on the task at hand. Music has the way of disintegrating any thoughts I have that might be a problem a little bit later on in the day. I tend to get inside my head too much, music is there to ensure I don't become too overwhelmed. If I focus on the rhythm of the beat and the lyrics, I can keep myself on track.
I would suggest listening to music, especially if you are feeling down or stressed or any of those negative feelings. It really can do wonders. Especially if you have a favourite artist or album that you can go back to time and time again. Even now, I am listening to music and singing (badly) along to whatever song I love and know well. That's probably why I have been able to write so much!
YouTube has also helped the last few weeks. I know that there are some issues surrounding YouTube at the moment, which I don't know that much about and I am not going to go into, check it out for yourselves guys! But yes, YouTubers have helped me a lot, especially my favourites. I can go back and watch their videos again and again and they never fail to make me laugh. I can become immersed in a video or song and forget everything that has happened, at least for a short while.
That's the thing about recovery and managing everyday life. It's the little things that keep us going. The things we go back as they comfort us in times of need or distress. We all need something, how every small or insignificant it may seem, it may mean the world to someone.
So if someone watches, reads, listens or performs the same task over and over, leave them be. Don't judge them. Let them indulge in what they find comforting. What you find comfort and reassurance in may seem odd to somebody else. But please guys, look after one another. I recently heard of another girl who was a hit on social media commit suicide a few days ago. Look after one another, don't push someone into telling you what's wrong. Reassure them and tell them you are there for them, that they aren't alone. No one deserves to die believing they meant nothing to anyone.
My inbox is always open if anyone needs a chat.
I'll leave you with these quotes from the wonderful character that is Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potter.
“Ah, music,” he said wiping his eyes. “A magic beyond all we do here.” –The Philosopher's Stone.
“It is important,” Dumbledore said, “to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then could evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated.” –The Half-Blood Prince.
“Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both influencing injury, and remedying it.” –The Deathly Hallows.
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light." –The Prisoner of Azkaban.
Until the next time.