I do apologise for my tardiness, I was meant to get this up a few days ago, but a combination of going out every day and also being ill has stopped me from doing any writing. But here I am now.
Right then, shall we begin?
The title of this blog is a quote from the YouTuber, Jacksepticeye.
As I mentioned above, I was out and about in Derby on Friday. I agreed to meet up with my uni friends as it was one of their birthdays a few days ago. I mentioned in my previous blogs that I was a little on edge about seeing them as we had not met up for a number of weeks. And truth be told, I think there was a bit of awkwardness. At least I thought so, I may be wrong. But eventually we fell back into our normal routine and I was able to enjoy myself during the time I spent with them.
I know that it is going to take some time for things to properly get back to normal, it's only natural after a while of not seeing them on a regular basis. I was told that it completely natural for me to feel like this, so I don't feel as worried as I did.
But there is still a feeling that I annoy them that they didn’t really want to meet me or were getting fed up with me. I'm sure this is all in my head and they are actually fine. It's just a feeling I have. I suppose I'm like that with everyone though. I worry when I contact people or see them out and about. I know I am slightly annoying, I can be rude and blunt, not that I mean to. I would just rather be straight to the point that be whisey-woshey and vague.
(If that makes sense, I bet it doesn't really. What do you mean, get on with the rest of the blog? Hello?)
I did take a lot out of me on Friday, meeting up with my friends. It's not very often I have to "people" as I like to call it, even though I did enjoy myself. I still feel as if I am putting up some kind of false image of myself whenever I go out, even if I’m just walking Yashka and we go into town or something. I think we all do that though, whenever we leave the house, we sort of make ourselves a better version. One that is accepted by society, one that mingles in with the general public.
I think a lot of it has to do with how British the United Kingdom is. For those not from the UK, well we are a weird bunch of people. We are all for public appearances as long as we don't stand out in the crowd, as long as we aren't the ones drawing attention to ourselves. We don't mind it when other people make a fool of themselves in public, in fact, we may look on in destain and mutter quietly to our friends. And I we are forced to come into contact with someone we don't particularly like, we will be all smiles to their face but comment behind their back once they are out of earshot. Thinking about it, we are a very two faced nation. But we are polite as hell. I mean, have you ever seen the British queue? It really is something to behold.
Wow, I really have gone off on a tangent again, this seems to be happening more and more recently. I do apologise.
But yes, I have been out and about a lot these last few days. I was asked if I wanted to go on an adventure by one of my home friends as I like to call them. So Saturday afternoon was spent exploring a place called Lumbsdale Valley in Matlock. I will post some photos, later on, today so keep an eye out for that. It is very out of the way, you wouldn’t be able to find it easily unless you knew it well or googled it just as I did. It is a very pretty place, very nice for walking and hiking. I was surprised on how well I coped with the terrain, I didn’t actually fall over once, even though it was extremely hilly, steep ground we were walking on and it was covered in sticks, boulders and tree roots.
I really enjoyed myself, I mean you couldn’t hear the traffic, and there were no screaming kids or shouting. It was just peaceful. We found a beautiful pond where I could see myself sitting on the edge and writing for hours on end. I really felt connected back to this earth we live on.
And if we forget the fact that I was sick about ten minutes after I returned home, then I think it was a great outing, one I would like to repeat, just maybe without the sick part!
I love exploring new places, as I am sure I have mentioned on countless times before. And walking around a place where people worked and lived hundreds of years ago, well, there isn’t anything else quite like it. Walking around the ruins of the cottages and mills felt precious like I had no right to be there. I felt like it was important to keep as quiet as possible and just enjoy my surroundings for as long as I could. Once you see the photos, then you will understand what I mean.
The walk has given me lots of inspiration for writing so keep an eye out for that as well.
Onto Sunday. I had plans in the evening as I would be seeing my home friends again, all of them this time which is something that only occurs on very rare occasions. However, seeing as thought I was and still am actually, reeling from being ill on Saturday night, I was trying to get better as quickly as possible. This meant lots of water, biscuits and toast to keep me going throughout the day. Even now as I write this sat in a cafe, I have a croissant and a green tea and I know that it won’t upset my stomach too much. I still have no idea why I'm ill, I suppose it is just one of those things, my body is obviously trying to tell me something. Maybe it’s trying to tell me to slow down!
Anyway, Sunday evening saw me playing pool and having a catch up with my friends. I stuck with the tap water for the evening, which was a good move on my part. We only went in two pubs and I was home before ten o'clock. I did enjoy myself once more last night, there were times when I thought what on earth I was doing there as I wasn't really contributing much to the group conversations. The last pub we went in had a few singers performing and I was happy just to sit and listen to them whilst my friends chatted around me. I hate to admit that there was a little bit of anxiety there, I still have no idea why. I was safe, I was with people I knew and trusted well. I think it might have been the environment. It was very noisy, there were lots of people drinking and shouting at one another. All in all, not very good for someone with severe anxiety. But I battled through it and went home happy, despite still feeling a little ill.
All in all, I have had very busy few days. I am surprised at myself for actually going out and socialising, especially after shutting myself off for a few weeks. I think it has done me good to get out and see people. I also didn’t have Yashka with me, I made sure she was working in the morning so I could go out and enjoy myself without having to worry about her, she was well looked after by my mum, don’t you worry. It’s good for us to have some time apart anyway, I’m sure she gets tired of me. And nothing can beat the welcome home after being out for a few hours with my friends. I love seeing her excited about my return, it means that she cares.
On a side note, I qualified as a Guide Dog owner a year ago on Saturday. I can't believe it has been a year already, I’m still in disbelief. As much as I complain about Yashka, she has changed my life, she’s improved it immensely and I can’t be more thankful that she came into my life. I don’t know what I would do without her now. She’s my best friend and my partner in crime. To think that this time last year I was still struggling to up a harness on her and now I can do it in a blink of an eye, it’s unbelievable.
In regards to my mental health, I am feeling a little better with that. I know it is early days and I am trying my best not to jinx it. There are times when I want to shut myself away and not talk to anyone, but that wouldn’t do anyone any favours. After numerous reassurances from my friends that they are there for me if and when I need them, I know that I need to believe them. And I do, I just don’t like to worry anyone. But I did have a lovely chat on Saturday which reminded me that I can tell people I trust, what is really going on. It once more felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I just need to trust those around me.
This really had been a long blog, hasn't it? Is anyone still reading at this point? I hope so. It’s been nice to share my adventures of the last few days with you all. I enjoy sitting in cafes and just writing for however long I want to. Sick my earphones in and ignore the world around me for a while. Although, I do people watch from time to time to give myself a break from looking at a laptop screen for long periods of time. And you all know what people watching is, don't give me that. We have all done it. It’s a good technique for writers, especially if they are struggling to think of characters for their stories. Give it a try and let me know how it goes.
And again, if anyone needs to talk, my DM is always open, feel free to drop me a line if any of you need to have a chat.
I am at the hospital tomorrow for my annual eye check-up so there will be no blog until Thursday, maybe Friday at the latest. The hospital takes it out of me and I will have Yashka with me, so wish me luck.
I'll leave you with these quotes from my favourite YouTubers.
"I'm so happy that you're not afraid to be who you are. Because that's one of the most important things a person has to overcome" -Jacksepticeye
"Even if you don't believe in yourself now, know that I believe in you," Markiplier.
"You should never ever feel bad being who you are at the cost of upsetting other people. You should be allowed to be who you are, who you want to be, to be safe and comfortable in your own skin, and not feel attacked in that" Jacksepticeye
I don’t want you guys to feel abandoned in any way. You’re not alone. Especially those of you who are in the darkest parts of your life right now. You’re not alone in anything that you’ve done" -Markiplier.
Look after yourselves guys,
Until the next time.