Here we are once again. I need something to distract me today and I can't really find anything else to do. So I turned to the two things I knew would keep me occupied. Writing and music. I have no idea where this blog will go or how long it will be, but let's just see how it goes, shall we?
The title of this blog is a lyric from the song To Take You Home by Frank Turner.
I'm feeling rather lost today. I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself. I'm a little restless. I do get like this sometimes, where I have energy but I'm so tired I just want to sleep. And usually, I have to keep busy throughout the day in order to calm those emotions. I don't know. Weekends are always strange for me. I've got into the habit of free running Yashka on a Saturday, then going to my hometown or Derby on Sunday. It's a familiar routine, but there's something today that just won't let up. It doesn't happen every day, but it hits me like a brick wall when it does.
I would like to think that I'm not the only one who gets like this. I think, that because I'm stuck in one place for much of the day, I get bored very easily. Of course, I can go to Derby or my hometown, but I've done those routes so many times that I am bored of them too. There's nothing exciting anymore. I'm stuck in a routine I hate and there's not much I can do about it.
There's a part of me that just wants to get on a bus and explore Derbyshire. I need a change of scenery, I know I do. As safe as I feel at home, I need a change before I lose my mind. I want to leave the house and visit somewhere new, somewhere I haven't been before. I need that spark of inspiration to carry on writing and blogging. To remind myself that there are bigger things out there I have not yet found.
I don't believe that we are meant to spend our lives in one place. We were put on this earth for a reason and we only have a limited amount of time to explore it. We do need to give ourselves that first push, otherwise I don’t think we would ever develop and move on. That's what I have to do. I tend to stay in the places I feel most safe because of anxiety. I don't like change. It takes me a long time to get used to things. And yet there's a part of me that wants to explore, I want to move to a different city where no one knows who I am. I feel like I need a fresh start. I suppose we all feel like that from time to time. But today, I am feeling that push, that restlessness in my stomach to do something. What, I have no idea.
As I have said before, I wish there are times that I could get rid of all my social media. I think it causes more problems, especially when dealing with mental illness. We post things every day and there will be people who will see it and feel jealous, feel angry or upset. We want to be better than other people online. We often make out we are someone we are not. And I hate it sometimes. We lie on a daily basis to get likes or followers when none of that really matters. That isn't living. None of that is important. What is important is family, friends, laughter, and adventures. The thrill of exhilaration and happiness that pounds through our veins when we are enjoying ourselves. That is what is important. Making others happy, putting a smile on someone's face, doing something we love because we can and we want to.
So get off your phones, laptops and tablets from time to time and enjoy this beautiful world around you whilst you're still here. You could be missing something brilliant, something you will miss when it's gone. Something you will never get back.
I think I mentioned that my home friends are all down in Falmouth for a week or so and I couldn't go with them. I wouldn't have been able to leave Yashka with mum for that length of time and I don't think it would have been wise to take her with us. It would have done me the world of good and I know Yashka would have enjoyed it too. I'm still kind of upset about it and I am trying my best to stay off social media this week as I know if I see any photos, I'll only get upset. It's a shame, cause now I'm stuck here and there's nothing I can do really. I don't want to annoy anyone by wanting to talk. So I think writing is my only option at the moment.
Perhaps I am being a little childish. I am trying my best to be more positive, it's just very hard right now. I will get out of this mood eventually. It's just what is going to drag me out of it, that's the question.
No real words of wisdom from me today folks. I am not inspiring as it is. I just write whatever comes into my head it mostly makes sense. But I am glad it makes some out you smile. It really does mean a lot that you take some time you of your day to read my ramblings. I do spend a lot of time on these blogs so I'm glad they are being appreciated.
I just want to reiterate that it is okay to feel low, it is okay to cry and feel angry. And right now, I feel like I'm not important in any way, shape or form. I feel like my friends hate me and that they will have a better time without me (the latter is probably true) I'm at a loose end and my mental health has seized the opportunity to feed negative emotions into mind. I know that I could be blowing things right out of proportion, but mental health doesn't think like that. It is difficult, but I have my comforts, I know what works for me. So that's what I'm going to be doing this afternoon. Try and get myself into a better frame of mind so I can do some creative writing later on today.
My inbox is open if anyone needs to have a chat. I'll leave you with these quotes,
Sometimes it’s ok if the only thing you did today was breathe-Unknown
Home is now behind you, the world is ahead! – Gandalf, the Hobbit, An Unexpected Journey.
I will keep fighting. I'll keep swinging until I got nothing left -Dean Winchester, Supernatural, 10x20
Until the next time.